Arion Mcbride's Journal

6:24pm: I think i can see my house from up here
I always liked the phrase "caught in the whorlwind."

it looks better with an o.

So then: to business... mmm. well...

i have always been a child. I could explain that more but the man in me thinks thats enough to put out there to the universe. It reminds me that every sensei is a student to a sensei. the chain stretches yknow. All these characters with their stories and their dramas and some are action packed and some make you laugh and some beak your heart and before you know it WHOOSH

there's the whirlwind. What a rush man. There it is. You're THERE. in the moment. the heat of passion the dancing bodies, suddenly your jumping out of an airplane rocketing towards impending doom till that parachute catches the updraft an then your sailing. sailing on pheromones. sailing on ceratonin. sailing on money and cars and women and drugs and you're on fire, your so hot you're ice cold, your the wind that blew up marilyn monroes dress and made the world stop for jsut that instant. that moment.

and the moments become stories and the stories become legends.

i am reminded of the first song i ever danced with a girl to. it was under the bridge by red hot chili peppers. it took me a year to work up the courage to sak. I didn't know what to talk about. My nose was all wet when i was around her. and i remember paying attention to the song all stiff an awkward and not wanting to seem to "forward" hah. and i remember it because it kinda was a testimony. a line stands out.

"its hard to believe that, theres nobody out there, its hard to believe that im all alone... at least i have her love; the city she loves me. lonely as i am, together we cry. "

and that was the one moment i was distracted from her.

it remains true evermore in adult life. i havent't thought about it in years.

but yknow for all the dorkiness. it wasn't this sell yourself pick up the chick at a bar. it wasnt this, leave oh yeah that guys offering you this well go with me im a better deal because of blah blh blah. i fucking hate peoplesalesman. your like the wost of car salesmen and your comission means fuck all to me.

you know it used to mean more. how easily we forget that now that we're not children. how easily we forget the delight. mcdonalds used to be exciting for fucks sakes. now its kinda gross.

i love mcdonalds by the way. just want to put out there that i love mcdonalds nuggets and fries. the flurries are amazing.

but its this cheap buy your life crap that takes away the magic. big part of christmas ruinage ws that. the hollywood aspect. god this new mellenia stuff is depressing sometimes. the worlds going to hell in a handbasket and i'm a snowflae laughing maniacly with a blowtorch in hand. to light my cigarette.

the crabs gone bad. thats all im saying man that space crab is here and it's fucked. and we losre the delight of childishness we forfeit the right to entirely new sensation. we trade int hose chips for cash in wisdom

and we call ourselves wiser for it. HAH.

and you know why? YOU KONOW WHY? cause i can't be so nervous that i wouldn't aska girl i like to dance with her. i'd either take her home or forget about her. or in the case of love wonder and wondr and ceaselessly wonder about her. and thats the void man. thats where we're all alone. every one of us.

science even says we, are nothing. technically. matter. nothing.

faith hope and love but the greatest of these is love. a conclusion you ask of me? well i wish i still went fishing sometimes. i really dont like the taste of fish. but if i could catch one for you you could have it. and i'd show you how too cause i wouldnt mind learning about spear fishing or maybe even flying.

and thats my answer to you world. thats my answer and you can take it or leave it. anyone claiming sanity while subscribing to a totally insane society must be crazy. was that how it went. heard that somewhere before.

its weird. its weird how life dominoes you. i have lost a brother. gained a brother. lost a girl i loved. gained the horizon. is there happiness in any of these things? in the whirlwind? down the rabbithole? is there some omnipresent point, probably i guess. but sometimes i worry too much about that stuff. my newly adopted brother. by marriage of course said unto me tonight while hugging a cute girl in his hand. "Fuck smoking pot. that jkust makes you think. and the last thing you need to do right now is think" wherein he held up a beer and said "it's time to act"

i do think too much. and i feel everything. it fans the winds. and i so love chasing the wind. but i want to feel rooted. thats why i was doing all this. i have no idea what i want and i am being solid and steady on that subject. i am IMMOVEABLE about something or other. i cannot be convinced to from this cat poop i just sat in!

cause i make it look good.

the moral of the story is people are fucked and you're probably fucked too. especially if you get more than me.

and on that note i think i shall abide to my couch to think too much because when the shields hold my head has becoem such a quirky place to reside. sometimes i miss feeling normal.

fuck you couch, ok so i wore a stuffed monkey that kicks an screeches when you squeeze him on my crotch to the dom tonight. i compuslsively bought it to cheer myself up at work. Today i have felt quiet as i blather on. ted kennedy is leaving us. goodbye comic brethren. i do sorely wish my condom present had served you better. you'll thank me later and think that wily leprechaun. ahh to be a real leprechaun. magic would make the crazy pass so much more amusingly. mostly jsut telekenissis illusions and invisibilty. i 'd make do somehow...

so many people have exited my life lately. not in a bad way necessarily jsut the way the herds shift. the way bonds are made and sometimes severed. it breaks you jsut a bit. i expected curt to slap me in the head or pop out of nowhere humping someone. he gave me a sword to fight the zombies with. i love my death stick. its so beautiful i could weep.

lovely ninjato, i shall kill the undead so well with you...

god i wish there were some zombies to kill sometimes.

my head kinda hurts. i walked in the snow a lot today. winter kills me but sometimes its just the most magnificent sight. you have never had a jolt like diving into a snowbank stark ass naked in a canadian winter.

i walked on a frozen lake in the early early morning out at a cabin. i went inside ice caves. they were good. i said goodbye to one of my oldest friends. so many friends hurting. so many friends leaving. so many friends. and they all take a peace of me.

i am such a good performing monkey sometimes it sickens me.


there is a constant maddening and yet soothing drip. drip drip drip on my brain from the faucet. sometimes it streams. streams right into my living brain until i stand and put myself in motion and i wench those knobs i wrench thm until the treads break. and then it leaks more and leaks all voer the floor. and somehow this chain reactions and the toilet is overflowing and their is poo-juice burbling over the sides carrying with it a ... OH HEY LOOK!!!

there's where i put my heart. i was wondering where i put that. guess i got drunk and flushed it down the toilet.

again.

at least i dont drink from it i think. no because i look far too good in a tie to drink from the toilet. i leave that to miss suk.

but yeah the faucet thing.kinda nice. the never ending drips reinforce my belief that i could withstand chinese water torture an incredibly long time. i'm badass like that. I think. Maybe/Probably. I would cave if they brought out the penis-thermometer and hammer though. thats just vendictive.although i suppose theres a few people i can think of that deserve to piss glass. I should not be smiling at that thought but it is delicious.

sigh...

caught in the whirlwind and the cheers and the beer and the crazy. child of chaos. child of wonder.

i'm relatively sur it becomes blasphemous when you give yourself mental images of the spidey fish with the letters w.w.s.d.

or if you were capitalizing on monthly sales, w.w.y.f.n.s.m.d.

why??? cause it's mother-f'n.s.m

but really... honestly?? sincerely... i said my prayers tonight. i gave up on that for awhile. i shouldnt have. in fact i made poe and suki sit with me and made them calm and quiet in the moment
and we sid a prayer. in english. in irish. and in latin. and i spoke softly to them in french and there was peace in the garden of eden and i was adam. and there was no terrible fruit of knowledge. jsut the bast master, his animals and his kingdom,

there was no eve. maybe thats a good thing.

and all i really ask of tomorrow is please god let the light shine down on my face and let me feel the caress of the breeze. and let it be silent. for just a moment...

i am speechless.

2:57am: Reflections of a clown
It's been a weird journey this last go. lots of trial and tribulation. I feel like a dark angel descending on bat wings into the city. I do not feel like anyone can see me.. Every night I slip on my trenchcoat. and sometimes i use my jedi hoodie when i dont want to be bothered. its a good enough costume.

tonight i got a new shirt. it was made for me. it almost feels military. That was a good feeling for though I have never really praised army, I am a military brat an to some degree i idolize soldiers. in some sense of the word i cxnsider myself a soldier of a different nature.

Someone told me that when disaster strikes I would be a leader. I feel like a vampire when the coats caresses my legs and flows up behind me with each step. I wish someone would attack me for no reason. I guess that's not so different. It is very cold out and I am not dressed for it. I tap into a masochistic pride and make the chill one with me. It reflects my feelings. The wind is at my back and it is not about a destination. It is about the wanderlust. It feels good the brisk air. I breathe it in like a savage born ito barbarism and tough against the elements. resilient and yet i know the truth is so much more fragile when we put any individual under a microscope. i am not exempt of weakness even when i don't give a shit.

Almost every night this week I've ended up taking long walks at night. I feel better being out int he cold almost with no place in particular to go. I really like the words Cold-Fire, that is how I feel. It is in my veins and burns my nostrils it chills my brain and ices my heart. I feel cold and wonder why it should feel so good, because it doesn't. I am smoking and the coat makes me feel dark. Its funny how sometimes isolation is torture and sometimes its just the calm. And I walk the frozen desert each night a lil longer then the last.

Yesterday I got drunk an shot people with laser guns here. I puked up polmegranite by a dumpster. I think I cried. Blurs in and out sometimes. I can always recount the hours when I put my mind to it but its better to sacrifice some times to the whirlwind.

I feel like a sucker. I feel confrontational. I feel betrayed.

I have come across new connections. I am pursuing tatooing with much more zeal. Much more real possibility. Doing some black light canvass art for my zombie friend and that might be fun. I met a young raver experiencing his first time fake happiness. his first rave. I showed him something trippy. He calls me a leprechaun and doubted my reality. I too doubt my reality. every day my eyes open to the dawning day i question my reality. I fucked with his mind a bit. Not nearly as much as he will himself before this trips done for im. it was cute but it was also kinda sad.

Starry eyed kids. I guess we all were once.

I've been well fed and yet my soul hungers. I am ravenous. I engorge on the free flowing emotion and feel empty.

I am not poor anymore and yet what does money even really matter?

I wish I was drunk. It all comes out stronger. clearer ironically. I wish I was an alcoholic but I am not. Why i haven't equipped my apartment with a beer wench yet I do not know. BETTER YET!

A glass of whine would hit the spot right now.

That was a joke.

I had a lot of funny thoughts when I started this entry. I guess it walked off on me, that seems poetic.

Most relations I keep start and end with coffee.

All I can think is that eyes don't lie. Eyes say a lot even when faces change.

4:47am: A poet
It's strange to me that memory comes in waves or raindrops. There has been much rain lately. Rain and snow and the harshness of another Canadian winter hits me like a truck full of pillows. I am reminded strangely of Toronto. Massive Attack triggers many many memories but Mike was the fellow that broadened my knowledge of them. It felt like Toronto or Kingston in weather patterns tonight. It was misty. All day long I would sneak out for smoke breaks and there was mist. coating the world

I wanted to fade into that mist. I wanted to be one with it. So I walked until 4:45 in the morning in the mist. Walking helps me when I'm broken and bitter on life. I have been shadow boxing with myself again. I am the sock in the dryer spinning out of control. I am the raisin sweeping the nation. I have pushed. I have eaten of the apple and I have sat in the shadows. the raindrops no longer harm me. they are my friends singing a melody on my skin. For as long as I live I will talk with the skies; to dance and rejoice in the tears of God. or to be silent and know the river constantine.

I am the beloved son, the angel, the black sheep of the market. Everyone is selling themselves, peddling their sales. I am uninterested. I just want to walk in the mist. My hoodie shadows my face and no one knows my name. I am the observer, i am invisible to the city for it knows me well and my movement does not bring it cause to stir. not tonight. how bittersweet our parasitic relationship.

my feat beat down angry thought after maddening thought. i knew how to say "Mo chroi"my heart in irish. now i've learned "Mo Charad" my friend.

my friend. my friend my friend. you are such a great person my friend. there is no fault on your face nor lie on your lips my dearest friend, for this is not of your doing, and you should be happy in all things though i myself must head north.

maybe... maybe. or perhaps your drugs are better than mine. and i flick some embers and Ash in my palm. Grit your teeth and enjoy the sensation, a burning kiss of things to come.

thats how the universe spoke to me I think. and how funny that i should feel like hemmingway. like sir walter scott. like caleb. i think of my brothers and my sisters for in truth they are many...

What is a poet if not a man of experience. What is a man if not a disillusioned boy. I have been thinking about puddles lately. How i found joy in them when i was a child. splashing about, i don't know why I thought of that lately. Perhaps because I've had no time to recall wearing rubber boots and a rain coat and the feeling of innocence so far behind me now. I am walking and I see a puddle that normally I would take care to avoid. I was angry at that puddle initially. I thought FUCK YOU PUDDLE and stormed through it uncaring of its cold touch through my socks and boot. and it struck me that the puddle left its mark on me and returned to its previous state while i still wore the marks of its passing. how foolish the anger of adam. what a fucked up story for that guy.

I was most angry at the puddle in retrospect because i was actually sad deep inside. because me an puddles used to play together but i have walked past the puddle and the moment has passed in turn with things. puddles break my heart. mostly because they were happy. Maybe they'll be happy again some day. I'm sure the puddle having returned to it's life before my shoe is perfectly content...

i am still walking. I am at st laurent now. too bad doolys is closed. i feel like embracing the crazier parts of myself. I wish I could play a game of pool with my imaginary friend for he acan really hold a conversation if no one else can be found. spider thompson puts a notion in my head. it is almost 4:20am, it is time to pee. i stand in the middle of st laurent trying to write in my notebook as i take a pee. a car just honked at me. but i am not really or that was then and this is now. now i am at a picnic table writing the epilogue to my pee and i have lost my cigarette. I feel like a lunatic, my joint is ready. How fragile these human minds when thy fail to process the harsh evils of life. or even jsut the insane depth of emotion that the heart cant translate to logic when the chips are down. but to quote a great musician;

"So many times Ive overflowed, So many faces come and go. I play my cards into the sun and try to work out what you are... to me."

who folds when you can throw it all in the air. I kiss the wind and my feet start to stride, my shoulders are angsty and my eyes are coldfire. i feel like liquid, my blood pounds in my ears and my chest is tight, there is war taking place inside me. love is a battlefield Corey told me once.
Fallen soldiers to stray bullets of callous intent... or maybe the seduction of a rum and coke topped off with a lil apathy. what can i say, i find that so tragically romantic. I'm fucked up that way.

One of the crazy people i drove away earlier with my madness is tailing me. shadowing my footsteps, he's hungry I can tell. He will stray away though for he fears me. I am unknown to him and the jedi hoodie augments my presence. I let him distract me no more. I have no desire to deal with any more crazy. Only I am allowed to be crazy right now!

FUCK YOU CHAIR! FUCK YOU AND THE FOUR LEGS YOU STAND ON!!! HOW DARE YOU BE SITTING THERE; A GODDAMN SEAT! YOU"RE NOT WORTHY OF MY ASS YOU"RE A BROKEN CHAIR!

and fuck me for figuring that out the hard way. sphinctersplinter is a bitch of an affair.

I've come to realize something... Women are very mean to me.

...

I am walking into the mist and praying that it will take me away. I hate it here.

6:13am: im sorry i didnt get the time to write tonight afterall.
so instead i leave a question:

who would want to be a king, when you can climb a mountain?



*stay tuned for sexy word stuffs and more abstract sensation*

5:26am: constantine
When I am most mundane i find myself inexplicably drawn to describing the tastes and smells of the city. i paint my words with shadows and immensity. swimming with diversity and all the filth and grime that washes into its sewers. i imagine thee sketchy street urchin that sits menacingly in the crossway holding back a sodden mutt that growls threateningly. i dim the alleyways with faulty neon signs and a piss soaked vagrant looking up with lost and hapless eyes. and i can;t help but hate him for it, even if it's not his fault. lifes fuckin hard man. and i wonder how far down the rabbithole he traveled before he cashed his chips in and resided to the shadows. was he a man once? am i? sometimes i think so. and there a bazillion claims like books on a shelf in the library of life theorizing the concept of what it is to evolve into a state of true manhood. some culture thought it was to pillage and conquer. some thoguht it was to carry on teachings. some thought it was to rape. some rose a chivalrous lance and a poetic value upon which he would throw himself onto a sword if that code and moral authority was worthy; or if i were to put it to lamens terms: to make a fuckin difference. did this fellow in rags ever make a difference? and why in this age do people not tell the tales of its heroes?

and yet the more i live in this town the more i see villainy grow. not to say i am naive and see things in black and white. goods and evils are found in subtle ways and conflicting circumstance. wer're all guilty and more likely then not; at one point innocent. the faster the lifestyle; the quicker the limit of those values is tested. sometimes i am completely stunned to my core that i have lived to see the many things these eyes have been cursed and blessed with. and the romance is painted in with the tragedy and how interesting the introduction of one red sheet or drop of blood against a greyscale painting? how vivid and striking for the power it implies to the minds eye? yes poets musicians artists we all recognize consciously or sub consciously the detail in things. the more you see it in life, the more your vision grows. they say most great artists go crazy or are misunderstood. and they claim other people "dont get it" i believe the joke goes... well the truth is i can believe it. the stronger the mind in whatever art form it embraces the greater the minds eye will soak up existance and within that existance comes all the burdens of knowledge. i guess thats the thing. ive grown too fast in this town. i cant see a kid jump in a puddle without noticing theres a condom laying right beside the place he was jsut standing. i see all the beautiful and horrific detail of life and whats worse i have to live it. both sides of it. your heart soars and feels like it could rise above all the other birds and planes and supermen in the sky. and you fall and feel the horror of everything rushing up at yuou to some bitter hapless end. those are terrifying polar opposites. and if you lived through it would you test the clouds again or in fear of falling would you shrink in rags of defeat into an alley way. would you become embittered? would you be driven t o be better?

the dulality more and more as i grow and as a gemini i increasingly find though paints an imagine of nature. and the serenity ive learned in it. but that is never enoughw ithout its concrete twin. still i find gardens and groves and grsas where i can lay my head and sleep on the hillside. i know that there is some security in sleeping in a tree like our ancestors. i ate kiwi jam today that was a gift from sarah on christmas and i wished i had plucked that kiwi myself. on christmas when i was lonely, all i wanted to do was see my friend Caleb and go home to the woman i loved. but the universe it is not content to let me be happy; it wants to forge me and im not sure me or it know whether or not i will have the metal strong enough to survive the forging process sometimes. but i knew it didnt want me to be where i wished so i walked. i do that a lot when im sad. the city often reflects a sadness with it now that mirrors me. weeks leading up to christmas everyone was bustling and trampling each other down. it was the most hallmark and empty christmas i've ever felt and i was kinda sure that christmas was meant to be spent alone this year. at least on christmas day. i walked around the city. one kid was walking past me and i saw hims top and go through the cigarette tin attached to the mall. that didnt seem right so i gave him the rest of my pack. fuck im making money now right. no time to go out and do anything with it. no girl to spend it with and as i get older friends find other means and ways. its all chaning changing faster than i and slower all at once.

i went to the strip club at the urging of my buddy to get over my breakup. i had been noticing other people because i dont really see much of girls at all at the moment as it turns out. but even still the way things went down and with my i dunno maybe older personality all the naked girls in the place didnt really do fuck all for this lad. not cause i dont loike women i jsut wasnt into the groove of it. i woulda probably enjoyed going if i was with a girl and friends i mean its been years since i've seen one but just was such a pale reflection of what i was doing yknow. so after much propositioning and declining on the basis of the fact that i am not attracted to bimbos, openly slutty - and i do use that term sparingl, nor dog faced sasquatch knuckledraggers; i was bout to give up and dcall it a night. man was i in a mood, but i was playing it cool anyways. i did end up going for a dance. a girl came on stage to massive attack, teardrop, and that song was a key turning point in my young life and has remained an adrored song in my top three to this day. so i told her that was the only reason. and in truth it was. i wanted to know why she chose it. and we most ly just sat there and talked about trip hop. and there is no love lost between me and a stranger, but there was a fondness for a little link towo people of different worlds shared. we talked about portishead and enigma and talked about tatoos and then we hugged goodbye

she stayed longer then i paid her for the dance and asked me to come see her again. she was cute.

i don't think i will but i appretiate that she made me feel wanted, and she did get a lil reaction. YAY MAN ESSENCE. good to see your still with me lil buddy.

i have also learned contrary to popular belieff that i am both an asshole and a gentleman. and anyone that says elsewise can kiss my grits.

i also had nice ego boost from friend TL-Sama and Stacey. Good friends and much fun to be around. may those two have a nice cloud reserved in heaven for them. or at least a ginormous jacxuzzi / sauna in hell. and roomie adam should go to a giant aquarium for i stopped there on christmas too and he was home alone and taught me all about his deep sea aquarium and all the life growing in it. most cool.

i wish i could write the truly poetic moment me and curt had. i hate him for it and yet in some fucked up way i love him more for it. i would write about it and maybe when this fight is actually over i will. for now i trhink its something personal that must live in our minds.

i sometimes wonder if maybe we were friends or once fought in a different lifetime...

i for whatever reason am reminded of a story; a story about an eskimo fisherman that was lost at sea and caught some kinda crazy current, and ended up on the shores of scotland. the scots gathered and came upon him in fear he was a demon in the savage ways he ate a sheep but later found him to be lost and confused and took him in and eventually they saw his worth, showed him their ways and learned from his and allegedly there were carvings made in scotland with inuit touch to them. i mean hey the romans thought we were savages and killed us celts but came to admire some of peculiarities and especially our art. i wonder sometimes who casteth the spears and who takes the time to see the carver, the knot weaver the artist amidst the savage. perhaps i am just a stranger lost at sea amidst a larger clan that fears my peculiarities. who can really ever tell? sometiomes life drives me insane.

the universe is not content to let me sleep. forge.forge.forge from dusk till dawn...

i guess i dont have anymore to write tonight. a lot more to write... a lot more. so much its leaking out of my ears and ravaging my brain at every waking moment. MADNESS. i miss hoolio and jacky so badely it chokes me up inside. how horrible that man can conceive the power of gods and yet only capture them in words and pictures. ideas skimming the water like stones cast to never be seen again and yet i have always so loved skipping stones.

and seeing the ripples it creates before the calm.

before the calm...

3:14am: i hate it here
the streets were awash with filth tonight. 2 AM and the troglodytes have oozed their way into the streets smelling of cheap alcohol. the man with a jitter in his step dazes his way into conversation with me. he wants a smoke. i tell him that i don't smoke crack cocaine and that he should bark up the legs of the troglodytes. the bastions of the whoremongers are out in force, just look for the shark in a hoodie. the guy with a lost look in his eyes carries a sign of rebirth, i empathize with him as he walks past 13 year olds in fishnets donned with makeup and the poetry leaves mys oul for a moment leaving only the frustrations of the spider. the troglodytes breed with the metahumans and the gorillas and they intermingle in the populace. a contact juggler stops to talk to me and he carries with him a sensation of truth and nonchalance. his girlfriends a good sort too. he speaks with curiosity and affinity of human nature and growth. i agree to come to the park and learn about these people and they part back into a sea of animosity. the streets have an edge tonight, i am not travelling light. i miss the quiet. i miss the stars. i miss the countryside. As I know this city it knows me. and the zombies know their freak messiah well. there is blood in the water. there is something int he air. i see a familiar patron shard. he is handing out propaganda. his brain resembles the game. washing its connections like used laundry forgotten in a bucket of bleach annually. his cult unnerves me. and the pagan reaches out in the park. we share distant blood ties. but i drift into yesterday. right now there are only the predators and the neon. the air virtually screams of amphetemines. everyone has crazy eyes tonight. the hyenas are riles up. they run in circles screeching and cursing. an eerie laughter alike a switchblade. i am getting angry. i catch a bus. im playing with my zippo the whole ride to hurdman. i light up the minute i feel the pavement beneath my heels. the crushing of pinecoms. pinecombs of dreary hope and self indulgent whistfullness. i curse everything and everyone and yet i am mystified and uplifted by the veil of consciousness even now. my head hurts but i'm closing in on home. i see police cars and see women crying on the curb. a fat man is being handcuffed. his bald head makes me furious. tears of angels fall easily no matter how you slice it; gum will always stick to your shoe and in your hair. that's why they cry you see. the angels that is. all i can think as the last stretch of road between me and sanctuary rushes up to meet me is that this cab driver that picked me up was really nice to offer to drive me home for five bucks instead of the fifteen it woulda cost. i guess in the end i still accept the universe. i am weary and there is no ambience to my words.
I miss the mountain. my brain meat wear the cobwebs of jrusalem. there are spiders in the attic.

the spiders are assuredly poisonous. their venom is most deadly in nature and even deadlier on paper. the tangled webs we weave i believe it is said.

so then what to ponder now. i do not know sometimes as often in fact as that which i do know and that which i understand. i must find the wandering prophet, the saint and we must share a cigar by the water. quell the hyde inside. find the shaman. yes att his point in the prism of time we must all set our eyes foward and find the shamans and the mathmeticians. the artisans and philosophers and hurdle ever forward psat the men of yesterday into a better type of soul for tomorrow. i will bear someone a child one day perhaps.

i share a quoptation from my friend and fellow Vagabond's journal to finish off my story. i took this to heart and i feel obliged to pass it on:

"
Everyone is constantly doing the best they can
maybe there are things that others dont see
Back stories that they dont know
Thoughts that no one else can here
We are so quick to be critical of each other
and yet so slow to see that part in ourselves

anywho the world seems like a strange place
it is amasing how life can give you exactly what you want and suddenly you are questioning if you filled out the order right
seems to be the way things go though
*
The world turns turns turns and we turn with it
"

i wanted to write more literally and practical but as it turns out i can only think and communicate in abstract tonight.

at least there is always good music. i hope at least that matrix mike eads this and provides a response with the boondocks quote of evil men for that too is an important lesson that i msut remember to write into the tao of megaman.

goodnight fellow electrolytes.

11:15pm: ALSO

9:57am: REVEALED!

10:58am: captain america is not jsut a man. hes a ninja.
Inspired by "Goodnight Saigon" and all civil war of all nature

It has often surprised me my ability to relate the mundane and ordinary joe to an epic form. to see a similarity in a story as a mirror to the things that happen in our day to day life. this is the reason people actually look up to super heroes. not for the nature of their powers but for the nature of their CHARACTER. I have been criticized for metaphors between reality and the comic world and many would trash comic books as the brain rot of the literary world. this is ultogether untrue. all epic stories created within the expression of art, whether it be king arthur and his knights, spiderman, the avengers, romeo and juliet. all are epic stories spun around the pereception of an epic soul working in a seemingly unepic mundane world. the truth is the epicness is in the subtle. and i will damn well talk about the avengers as much as i bloody well wish because in this captain america should be heard. that is why the character exists to exemplify the principle of which the character was created around. with that in mind i am going to geek out and i hope my guys listen to my words. when once i bowed out when i was told move, this time i am standing my ground, drawing that line and saying "No. I stand here. You move." and despite cap will always lend a ready ear and sympathetic heart. he and spidey are alike enough that i will carry that shield to my brethren though I am no leader. I do not pretend to be. I do not wish to be, i would never be fit to be so more then temporarily. fortunately in the council mayhap we do not need an individual leader to be a figurehead but rather a principle or status which is what the mantle of the captain is. a principle and a unification to rally behind. me and mike discovered this together when we sacked luc all those years ago.

once upon a time a group of friends who met at a party house on summerville would form the initial invaders. much later they would pave the road to the avengers. though at the time they were simply people pulled together by similar groups and similar goals. in time it would grow to include a roster of faces from all different sources of all types of background and all exemplifying something completely unique to the team that would eventually come to be as circumstance or history or destiny as laid out to them. this is how avengers are formed. and all these metaphors and comparisons are based not actually around the principles of comics but the collected wisdom and hearts of my brothers at arms that have spoken truth, wisdom and heartfelt sentiment to me throughout the ages. we HAVE forgotten why we were friends. we HAVE forgotten that we are earth's mightiest team. and though the classic avengers may be no more, the face of that team is everchanging and growing as long as the principle it exemplifies remains static within that change and growth.

in the early times friends they would hit each other int he balls for shits an giggles. this was the time of sub-mariner. the war cry could be heard everytime a fist was formed and the nether world invaded by the atlantean fist. amongst two heavy hitters there was a alliance formed for a greater good of throwing a trash can lid. captain america status was introduced and under the principle if this alliance a deeper level of friendship was reached and all petty ball thwacks were set aside in the pursuit of a common goal. which initially was hitting someone elses balls.

this is a metaphor for what i have come to understand as the rallying symbol of purpose. a purpose deeper than that of the individual or the games. this represented the first incarnation of the avengers. with our trash can lid of principle.

of late i have come to remember this and romanticize it as it parallels the tragedies that have persecuted the avengers. but the trash can shield is made of a blend of unbreakable metals but much like caps shield - as strong as the metals were there was a tiny fault line that eventually led to the shield breaking. this is reminiscent of the fallout and much like caps shied was refused and never successfully recreated
so will be the symbol of the guys if i have something to say.

all heroes are epic. all events in the hero world are epic. even the sniping of the leader resulting in the death of the captain is only minor in comparison to the legacy.

my guys are an epic crew. over the course of working on this movie i have had countless hours to mull the nature of each team-mate and though i am at odds with some and though i see our shield broken now, captain america status is more than a shield or a trash can lid, more than disagreements; captain america is a unification of all the epic heroes. i believe in the principle behind the symbol and the individuals that make up the team, i believe in the syncronicity of retaining the individual direction while syncronizing in pursuit.

we came together as one for a grander vision and a grander common ground than any of the individuals will admit under duress, now is tnot the time to be divided. now is not the time to be segregated or plagued by awkward questions or false expression of apathy.

now is the time to fuse the shield and fix that faultline that initially caused the unbreakable shield to break apart. now is the time to stand together as heroes of the mundane. it is a time of new faces and resolution of old conflict. it is a time of rebirth. I am no leader and i do not claim to be, but i am a middle man and an upholder and i am whether acting alone or as a group a patriot of "the guys". when you believe in something strongly you stand and if circumstance and discord among the ranks says act in this fashion that does not adhere to your principle. if they say it cannot be done choose the lesser of evils and you see a path that is nauight but good then you say as cap would say "no. this is my ground. you move"

i have heard all manners from my teamates about how we can never be again, how everything is different, how everything and everyone has changed. how battles fought have left us jaded and disbanded. how everyone is tired and no longer knows why they are striving and moreover what they are stribving towards. i have seen that no one expected this to be the palce we'd end up. we did not think we would be staring each other down. as heroes forget their purpose and battle one another over their differences, as we argue semantics and express frustrations and fatigue, we forget that we stood together not for our differences but for our similarities. great figures in history faced challenges of difference.

though i am not really in a position to celebrate on the personal level the grand implications of black awareness, i can read the letters malcom x wrote to the church in his battle against racial persecution and i can see how even the people wronged can see how there is purpose beyond the individual perception. he stood for uinification under a principle of equality. he did not stand for "us versus them" he did not advocate the black and white mentality of thinking, he set aside the semantics and saw the real purpose that afflicted black white asian native adn all men that bleed and such a principle was good and wholesome and though he like captain america was silenced for advocating that equality and unification; the irony of being a martyr is that he was RIGHT.

I do not know if we have what it takes to band together with a new face, under a new shield, a better shield, but i believe in my guys and i believe this is right and that is why, despite being at odds with some of those i would have on the team, despite my inability to "like" some of them right now. i love my avengers and things each of my team have said to me have stuck with and changed my perception forever. that is why these words become my shield and this principle is the parlay offer. the neautral ground on which all those of all opinion can sand and whether they unite or whetehr they distance i will foloow this course. as all mena and all nations and all countries and all religion should learn from.within the jedi council all opinions are heard.

put down your arms. put down your prise put down your problems and find this place to meet. all knights are equal at the round table. all perspective considered all perspective appretiated even if not agreed upon. we are soldiers of the times, and as brothers at arms we shouldextend our perception not only to what is now, but stretch that awareness to all the battlefronts and shore leaves undertaken together. let no man be left behind no matter how much of a douche he may or may not be at any given moment so to speak. the nature of life and the path of a hero will bring times where there is need to venture out solo as is. but there should always be the ability to pick up a phone and make that call.

despite mockery for my comic analogies this is my challenge to "the guys" whether they see a commonality anymore or not is not as important as whether they share enough as a team throughout the ages in principle and in fellowship. the path of a hero is never smooth, nor is the path of life, all birth and all rebirth is messy.
this is my shield. this is my challenge. I have made the call. civil war is not as important as the purpose and i believe this is the right course of action and perception to follow. there are the daredevils out there that do not agree with cap and choose not to rise to that call. there are the spideys that doubt the ground they stand on but stand united under the shield anyways. there are the seemingly self serving iron men who will make every fucking step along the way more difficult then it needs to be due to different perspectives on the said principles unification would represent. there is the wolverines who desperately need the captains way of thinking but doesnt see how such ideals could possibly work in reality. but through it all dead or alive the mantle of captain america is representative that the time for punching each other in the balls is over. the ice has thawed and the handshake that is the STATUS of captain america has been extended in an offer. this offer is greater then all ninja foreplay and all petty atlantean games. life is going to change drastically after the civil war timeline is over and already nothing is the same, nonetheless I say, that the red devil of trance, the adamantium laced gamer, dr. dave, ghost guitarist, everloving trucker, the cosmicy mexican fist of doom, the white rabbit, the iron magician, the synek witch, Shadow Kay, even the Dencredible Hulk. And many other faces; they all belong together.

captain america is no one person. the mantle belongs to everyone. the trashcan shield is the symbol we unite for despite differing origins and motivation. throughout watching these epic figures grow throughout the years ive been privy to observe and be part of i have been impressed by every single one of them and how they hold themselves in the darkest of times as well as the the greatest of victory.

this is the challenge. Thie is the principle we should aspire to. this is the best shield i have for you all the belief in my heart that the people i have chosen to ally myself to are despite whatever weaknesses individually held, the most epic times and teamates i have ever known in my life. we are so much better and so much more epic then we have become. the winter age of apocalypse is over. the time for a new team has come. under any name we have come this far and all heroes must walk a path of a heroic nature despite disagreement together. for this even the punisher and cap saw eye to eye.

so the words need to be said under an upraised shield and moreover the need to be heard by all ranks:

"Ninjas Assemble!"

5:27am: Ninja Club - http://groups.msn.com/ThatNinjaMovie
so Mike and Mekki and I think emails jsut gonna work out better for this. a forum woulda been nice but its not needed

ill be emailing everyone a n email today with what i have on profiles but i'll throw shit up in the msn group too in case it does turn out to be useful.

http://groups.msn.com/ThatNinjaMovie

9:14am: TO THE PLANET OF LIQUID SKIES
ok so profiles are in the process of being revised. photoshop montage is on verge of completion.

dave gill and i and hopefully eric will be meeting again next saturday to get our shit together and get this going.

tonight was good. got some things said that needed to be said. asserted myself so to speak. kept my cool in a rough circumstance for the most part and at the same time turned a depressing beginning of the eve into a good night for myself.

sometimes its best to jsut not worry about fuckk all and jsut enjoy the ride.

but back to movie. Den outdid himself. den deserves a pat on the back guys.

menus are being discussed to see if options are possible.

lebanese pain test mike. must be done.

profiles and

the last thing i want to ask of people is to brainstorm. remember awesome things we filmed that have no story or role in the movie but are too awesome not to be thrown in the deleted scenes poor special features. (see next post)

12:57am: the main menu
each name will lead to a profile: the rest is on the top right.

get them in while we can people!

9:46pm: nother movie update
the main menu is almost done.

here is two menu previews done in association with lewis and chrissy fellmeth. good stuff.

additionally:

there are more profile fields required if possible:

i encourage some of you to fill out the origin a bit.

Name:
Alias:
Age:
Race:
Hometown:
Base of Operations:
Affiliation: if any of you are ninja this is where it goes. also company na,es junkyard spaceship vagrant apartment urban shaman etc
Occupation:
Hobby's:
Weapon of choice:
Super powers:
Likes:
Dislikes:
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
Origin:

those are the final fields sorry to keep everyone on their toes so much.

12:32am: contact details
phone number 613 526 3472
email: arionmcbride@hotmail.com

no other one works

9:24pm: yet more movie talk.
dave and mike we must talk.

den - did you get my message? check your site.

i have serious questions about dvd menu assembler thingymadohicky jesus.@_@

i feel obliged to mention i have been doing an insane amount of work on this today and i knew it was gonna be that way. in honor of my passion and mindset i markered transmet tatoos on my body and am writing in a very spiderlike manner.

venom feels nice. i feel crazy today.

8:17pm: MORE MOVIE STUFF
gill - i require memf pins please and a thank you. i will call you at ten. would you still be interested in doing the pho peppers on sat? ^_______^ bring wasabi. maybe we can get some more tigert balm victims too. i am working on the other thing for you.

mike dave - i require of you two a few hours before the weekend. tomorrow would be best but we can work something out. that is if (matrix im afddressing you and ryan if you can track him down too) are man enough to put your balls where your mouth is and take the lebanese pain test (execution style) with me still. if you pussy out i understand. hoolio has memory transfer capacity but a memory stick of you have one would be good. jacky has camer abut secondary backup is up to you or dave as my cameras out and didnt have audio anyways. plus then i can give dave menus and resources directly.
--- idle thought ---
i needs talk to ryan if any of you can get ahold of him.
--------------------
the ruile for the execution part 2:

1. - you must be blindfolded, restrained and bare of skin to the bullets at close range.
2. - the shooter will not under any circumstance stop until the shootee screams "cease fire!" and may the best man win.
that is all for rules. i will beat you, you fuck. heh.

dave - mike what is your friday night like? tell me your schedule ok? if we put our heads to it we can accomplish great things because as you said in chinatown toronto: most people only wish they were as awesome as us.

i agree. lets prove it.

that is all for now.

7:34pm: IMPORTANT MOVIE NEWS
alright, anyone who gives a shit about this movie pay attention cause this is it. we're organizing. IT IS TIME!

read this as a general note but anyone involved (and theres a surprising number) find your way through this entry until you get to your part.

the first part of what i need from people:

profiles for the menu. the following people must send me this or one will be made in your stead possibly full of untrue facts :P

the following people are required to do this:

Gill:
Matrix:
Martin:
Den:
Luc:
Alex:
Eric:
curt,
jon,
cynek,
dave,
ryan,
hoolio,
nick,
Ania: - and i need a profile pic from you too. something "youish" this offer extends to anyone else that wants to send one. additionally your video link is not working for my download. it is imperitive we find a transfer method before saturday. i will give you ftp info to upload if you need it. i know im a huge pain in the ass im sorry. that video was really cool and you totally should showcase with us ninjas. some ninja clans just think alike yknow. ^_^

onwards then:
this is the profile fields required(or not):

Name: your name

Alias: any nicknames or alias you go by. online handles are valid, kryptonian names are cool and if you have a ninja name i urge you to include it here.

Age: your age

Race: (caucasian, lebanese, mexican, ninja etc)

occupation: magician, illusionist, toy ammunition specialist, alcoholic, pirate, nun, film student, programmer, etc, show yourself off as bit you professional wankers. shows what a weird bunch we are when we form a clan

hobby: (this is optional) contact juggler liquider, kendo student, wine connesuier :P (sorry had to get one in martin. dont kill me please.) cum dumpster, whatever you want.

weapon of choice: fart spray, silly string, flower bomb, water condom, laser gun, airsoft, nerf, a stick, nunchucks,. pie, confetti cannon, your car, your semi, your forehead, one eyed cyclops, i really dont care have fun.

super powers: do whatever the fuck you want. be creative. bullshit.

special skills: baitin it,, sub marinering people really well, crafting ninja arsenal, guitar hero, getting girls to take their tops off etc

Origin:
mention birthplace quick summary of how you came to be where you went and where youve travelled something like that, whatever, then please be sure to mention how you got connected to the people connected with the project. how you became one of the secret black cladden ones or how you ended up knowing the guys or how you came to ottawa and where you saw random crops of people that all interwoven. feel free to play yourself up. include rediculous ambitions if you want. include your dreams. but make a point to note how you came to play a role in the craziness that is "THE MOVIE" (so epic) and what you brought with you. the n**ja sq**d if you have one. basically feel free to write whatever you want to make yourself sound as awesome as you inevitably are. this is also important. sorry to be so weapon x mannered but it amuses the fuck out of me to imagine this as all official things. but you deserve credit so dont miss this opportunity. it doesnt take long to type some blurbs. yknow what jsut do whatever...

yes. that is the first order of movie business done. more to follow.

2:43am: i told you i'd make a bad one of me


and yet still so complementary too...

1:18pm: troubled waters
i forsee the guys falling apart again. there is a variety of reasons.

the first being presence. its nigh impossible to gather the crew anymore. and i guess theres reasons for that though i am malcontent with those reasons. den is married. yes. but he can still come out if its planned. no one bothers trying to plan with him though. i understand this is due to a few mishaps in planning past. nonetheless den is a truly awesome guy to hang out with and i wish he'd come out more. gill IS coming out more and tryingto inegrate his girlfriend with us. this is failing as much as its suceeding. this too can be avoided by altering behavioral archetypes or at least keeping them in check as a favor. that too is a difficult road that bothers me. martin has disappeared off the face of the earth and as much as at first i was skeptical about martin i've come to somewhat enjoy his company. we don't game anymore. we've spent two years worth of our lives shooting footage for a movie that more and more i don't see happening. though i am trying to reinspire that project cause i'd feel like it was a waste and a let down but no one else seems interested in bringing it all together. perhaps this is due to conflict within the group. perhaps its because we have nowhere to hold footestock.

and to top it all off alex and luc both lied to my face. not about anything important something very casual actually. i gave luc cd's to bring to k's to get photos for the movie for gill and luc and alex both said to me upon asking if he managed to get anything form her that he had not. alex said he got nothing and then gill said luc had mentioned he got a cd of memf photos. so i asked luc if he managed to get anything from her and he said no. and i asked "you didnt get a cd of memf photos?" purely out of confusion from alternating sources and he switched ona dime saying that he had but he wasnt gonna give it to me because no photoshops were to be done. now this could mean a few things but really the fact is if she didnt want me to photoshop her pictures then she had jsut to say that. they're her pictures and i would have respected her wishes it just had to be said exactly like that. the coverup was unnecessary. now mind you i dont know the reason for the coverup. either way i feel very uncomfortable that two of my oldest friends would feel the need to lie to me rather then just explain a detail.

i've been doing a lot of photoshops yes but i dont think i've offended anyone, save maybe gill with the sucking his own cock pic but then again, he did that to me too so thats totally fair and the others ones are mostly silly and were laughed at by all. i've even been working on a really bad one o myself to keep it fair and even and considering what we do to each other on a day to day basis thats really nothing to get worked up about. i really dont think there is an issue there. if there is no one has brought it to my attention which is not my fault either.

as for asking for the pics they were for the movies montage. as i said i've been trying to put myself into this project when i have time cause it seemed to mean a lot to everyone that was involved. i know it means a lot to me because i want to remember my times with the guys always. i dont think its fair for gill to be burdened with the sole responsibility of bringing it to fruition so i've been trying to do everything to make it happen. we should be helping him. but hes uninspired and i think i know some of the reasons behind that. nonetheless for once i'm passionate about something and not wanting to leave it at the side half done. which is something everyone criticizes me for and rightfully so in my artwork. its true i get bored of projects or give up on them before theyre done. but this project has kept me interested for TWO YEARS. and everyone else was interested too. now it sems like no one is. and let me tell you boys and girls that really fucking BLOWS. cause yeah i been devoting lots of time towards it.

the photoshops
learning to edit,
designing a cover and menus
going out of my way to make sure things are recorded that will add to it.

but i'm getting really tired of being the only one that seems to give a shit whether people stay or drift. i'm tired of having to socially engineer people to be ok with each other. int he past there are times that my friends have treated me like complete an utter shit and i still come back because theyre my mfriends and i wouldnt have been there in the first place if i didnt see extreme potential for lasting friendships both individually and as a collective.

i hate seeing my efforts and my passion and the group i've invested myself in fall apart. i hate the fact my oldest friends can look me in the eye and cassually lie to me over things that shouldnt even matter really, because that makes me wonder how many big things could they lie to me so casually about. its frustrating. and i mean in the end i guess i can only do what i have opportunity to do to make it better but ic ant be the only one that gives a shit. and sometimes i think i honestly am the only one.

its very odd not being the target. though i gotta admit i feel better about life for it. its also odd to be on the sidelines watching them pick each other off with careless words that are said before extreme amounts of thought. its very odd waching people be apathetic instead of striving for something better which whether they think so or not is what i've always done for myself and for the collective.

its odd being the only one that seems to understand where everyones coming from and why it doesnt work and yet not knowing how to fix it. why? cause you cant change a stubborn mind even if you could point it in the right direction. you gotta wait for them to see thae paths and choose them. and its frustrating when such heavy things that matter so much to me hang in the balance. there ae not even that many issues it just seems like there are.

that's enough for today. i'm going to watch some smallville and hope the people around me come to their senses.

mike said the other day "arion, you're being the voice of reason tonight. thats truly disturbing."

it is. and it remains so even now.

12:52pm: photososhop three. the travelling freakshow continues.


and onto the dvd cover preview for the movie:



yeah. i understand. i'm psyched too.

9:42pm: new years was a blast!
this is what i saw:

6:06pm: Ode to the radioactive chicken-woman
my firned started a forum of dirty haikus. i figure most were just bad words or naughty innuendos put together in the proper rhythmn. i on the other hand aimed to shatter so i began a conversation with my friend about how a woman with fused chicken dna could look normal ala spiderman but still hold the power of chickens at her disposal in this case to pop out eggs. and that led to conversation about saving on start up costs by fueling her own breakfast deli/diner.

this concept horrified my friend and made her queesy nonetheless she tried a haiku about it. and i went on to finish it.

so without further ado the haiku ode to the radioactive chickenwoman:

ladies ponder this
if you could drop your own eggs
would you eat them up?

over easy or
scrambled to perfectionay
salt and pepper please

Oh sunnyside up
pass the potato salad
lets eat human egg

egg fetus children
rest in my stomach tonight
you were delicious

reborn in scat porn
the omelette of chicken goo
queefs under a cock

yes tis true friends
i bonked a chocobo
t'was consentual

11:38am: CRACK!!!
( I feel so sorry for anyone that reads this. )

Amen

5:25pm: #1 Crush
I remember once listening to this song and thinking to myself. This song has that dark underlaying pasion about it. the slightly twisted individual but devoted and full of unlimited desire. a syren singing of its yearning. it exuded lust in its most primal form. like sex in sound which is not uncmmon but rarely done well.
although there are some moans in the beginning the song doesn't directly reference anything sexual persay but its all in the underlaying sound. the dark passion the craving and the willingness to prostrate yourself to pain to be in that good grace. the desire to please. and the melancholy context of the words.

i showed this to a friend/brother of mine once while we were driving in a torrential rain. the window wipers weren't working and we could barely see. and we were flying along on cruise control. and the car kept sliding to the right. my arm almost hit a traffic post. they were whizzing right beside my window and Jon looked so intense hunched forward hugging the wheel looking through the rain streaked windows. my heart was racing and it was so terrifying for a time. Then i metioned in a slight panic that situation might not be good.

Jon said loudly "NOT NOW! just let me drive." so i accepted that this could be bad and got into the song. got into the danger the thrill. i sometimes forget that at moments humanity is supposed to live on an edge. this was never true in my younger days but to let go of myself again in terms of worry or concern. to be invincible int he decision of *I'm doing it* regardles of consequence.

i mentioned how i regarded this song as it was blasting through the speakers as we drove through this rain. it had all of boston and surrounding areas flooding. and like i mean FLOODING> there was a lot of water being flung at us from the heavens. we were skating on waters. and this song withall her POWER was thundering thorough the car. the tension got worse an worse like high sppeed dangerous driving in harsh conditions listening to this girl with the voice of an angel and the feel of a succubus. and we grew ever tenser listening to her with this intense speed and palpable atmosphere. when it was over we both heaved a sigh of relief i think. theres not really a word for it it was jsut like we slowed downt he car took a turn as it was ending and jsut sorta pulled to the side and breathed a moment and knew we were alright from this point on. that was the climactic trial of the road and she had sung us through it. or perhaps into it. and it was glorious for its thrilling hypnotic cry.


the end of the road/song marked the end of terror and excitement and danger and lust and invincibility. the air was tangible with some crazy kinda energys.

and then there was calm. the swoon of the syren was over. the danger dissipated into the night and we'd had our near life moment as they say in fight club. but it was jsut that, a really strong adrenailaine rush and a swoon. intoxicating kinda feeling that you never forget when you know how close the line really was. although jon may debate with me how close those posts were *I* was right beside them. i know. i heard the swish and saw the blur.

i hope he comments on this actually. me and jon always seem to get some good stories with our short times together.

this blog may sound silly to others but if you had been there on that night you would understand. you havent even heard the whole of it or the conditions we were under and we were warned about the driving but though it may have been silly it had this element of regard from me now. and its own devotional page. so it was good.

so yeah for all the passionate people of the world, i recommend sometime you listen to the song #1 Crush by Garbage. you wont regret it. the imagery the lyrics present is one of an underlying connotation of desire in a raw form. and i have to say i appretiate that and hopefully you will too.

coincidentally the song was remixed for the beginning title of this british series called Hex. which is very similar to a book called the witching hour that i read recently despite accusations from matrix about my reading habits. but yeah british lovelies with yummy accents and witchraft and fallen angels. they chose a good opening for the series. it's not even quite cheap porn but its definetly got a lot of people humping in it.

why did i write about this? I don't know. I meant to write about Snow Patrol.

2:17am: survey
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (I miss a lot of people. basically anyone that was valued in my life and i can't contact anymore for whatever reason. off the top of my head, the first one that comes to mind is ashley.)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (i watch the grass grow.)	✓ I own lots of books.  (and i've read them all.)
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (and i wish i didnt)	✓ I love to play video games.  (on occasion. used to be an enthusiastic addict, now i jsut sorta play them onj occasion.)	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (tried is a bad term. perfected is a better synopsis.)
✓ I've watched porn movies.  (and i cant believe people make more money then me making such BAD movies. like the filth amazes me, not the porn but the camera work, the storyline, the fucking script, and my god some of those actors!!! i've seen it all. including the horses, the midgets, from the german shepards to robot porn. the only thing i havent seen is super hornio brotherswith ron jeremy as mario. that i would like to see.)	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (everyone lsoes their head here an there in the passion of youth. when you get to be 25 you just dont care enough anymore though. lifes miserable with or without someone so it doesnt bloody matter.)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (although i've often paid dearly for this belief)
✓ I curse sometimes.  (a lot.)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (i don't even know who i am anymore.)	✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )